Scarred for Life

December Something 2006

Mel now lives in Vancouver. Brian is moving to Portland. And I am in Texas. At least they are still on the West Coast.

I wonder why no one moved to the East Coast.

Folks are predicting the death of DVD’s in five years or less, replaced by whatever you use to get your video on demand. HD-DVD and Blu-Ray are just prolonging the inevitable. CD’s are pretty much dead, replaced by MP3 players which is a service you get on demand. I do not have a decent MP3 player yet although my camera can store and play tunes if I want it too. Which is not yet.

Meanwhile, I sit here with my CD player that skips with every step I take, wonder what to do with my VHS tapes and wonder why I carry the latest Harry Potter book which is five pounds and not have a thing that weighs 80 ounces that I can just read it on as long as the battery does not run out.

By the way, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows? Title wise, the Potter books are going out with a whimper but at least it is not as bad as the title of the first book. Books 5 and 6 were kinda lacking, especially after the awesomeness of books 3 & 4 (books 1 & 2 were decent too, but 3 & 4 just blew them out of the water). I hope book 7 turns out to be the best one yet with tons of death and destruction. Either that or I hope JK Rowling goes all metaphysical on us and ends the series the way Neon Genesis Evangelion ended. Could you imagine the mindfuck that would be?

The last word of the book (for now) is apparently ‘scar’. Let us put on the Rowling hat (or the sorting hat for you geeks) and wonder how it all fits in, shall we? (Come on, you know I am at least the millionth person to do this-WARNING: most of these are stupid…)

Harry lastly gave up the magic world, joined a new wave tribute band and chose the stage name Scar.

Ron Weasley would never forget the day he and Harry finally threw expectations out the window, the experience of which left him with his own lightning shaped scar.

Hogwarts was never the same since Hermione stopped referring to it as her flower and started calling it her scar.

Hagrid would never forget the day he and Buckbeak finally threw expectations out the window, the experience of which left him with his own lightning shaped scar.

When asked how he smelled if he has no nose, Voldemort just head butted Harry which left him another nasty looking scar.

Malfoy (Draco and Lucius) would never forget the day they and Harry finally threw expectations out the window, the experience of which left them with their own lightning shaped scar.

After his vacation in Bangkok and the incidents with the midgets, Ron would never tell anyone how he got his scar.

Dumbledore never died and was in fact one of the midgets which gave Ron his scar.

Hermione’s transfiguration experiment left her permanently a tiger cub that was eventually sold by Hogwarts who were in dire need of cash to Siegfried & Roy who renamed her Scar.

Even though it felt soft at the time, Snape still woke up the next day sore and on his right cheek, an odd looking lightning shaped scar.

Harry finally defeated Voldemort via a game of scrabble- the winning word being scar.

Harry and Ginny’s first time left them both with an emotional scar.

Harry renamed himself Sizzler, Ron was Creamy, Hagrid picked Adorable with Neville Longbottom on bass with the name Rebel- and they became the boy band called S.C.A.R.

JK Rowling got sick of writing this tripe, invited all of her readers to her castle punching them all in the face which usually left a nasty scar.

Cho Chang would never forget the day she and Ginny finally threw expectations out the window, the experience of which left her with her own lightning shaped scar.

Harry soon realized that Hogwarts would be the most significant time in his life, becoming just another civil servant after graduating, living alone in a dingy flat, eating TV dinners and spending Saturday nights staring into the mirror and into his stupid scar.

To this day, Harry’s pick up line was, “Hey, Ladies, want to see where else I have a scar?”

For no reason whatsoever, someone, somewhere said the word, “Scar”.

“The type of music Sublime played was called Ska?” said Hermione years later at the reunion, awkwardly trying to drum up conversation with her old school mates with whom she used to so close, “For a moment there I thought you said scar.”

Harry spent his final days in the run down nursing home he referred to still as Hogwarts, roommates with a black guy who though he was Kennedy, realizing his life was all in his head, that magic did not exist, that the one he called Ron was his nurse, Hermione was a mole on his leg, that he was not even British, telling anyone who would listen his stories and showing them, if they asked, his scar.

JK Rowling was just kidding when she said the last word in the Harry Potter books was scar, it actually is “SUCKERS! These books do promote Satanism! Now go sacrifice a goat…maybe one- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - with a scar!”

Uncle Vernon would never forget the day he and Harry finally threw expectations out the window, the experience of which left him with his own lightning shaped scar.




PS: Happy New Year!
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Until the end of the world again...

December Something 2006
Since the time since I last posted here: 1) God still hates me2) Rosie O’ Donnell hates me (and apparently Asians everywhere)3) The world’s tallest man saved a dolphin using his god-given superpowers4) The world’s tallest man was unfortunately unable to save the Chinese River Dolphin from extinction, making it the first large mammal to disappear from the face of the earth in a long time. Pretty soon the cockroaches will be all that is left5) The world’s tallest man hates me6) It is found that if you get rid of your “hoodie” and opt for a “German helmet”, you will cut your HIV risk 7) I have found out that in an old MTV interview it is stated by Robert Smith that he does not try and play catch up with the mainstream but does not mind if the mainstream catches up with the Cure.8) In A Big Country Dreams Stay With You9) I found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea10) VNV Nation posted the first part of their North American tour and they are playing Coachella and SXSW. I hope on the second part of their North American tour, they actually play some ‘real’ venues in this town. The festivals are great and all, but Coachella is good if you do not mind being crushed in the desert and SXSW, they will probably not hit the stage until 1am and the people with better badges than you have all the good seats anyway. And yes, God still hates me. And more things have happened since, too. But I have been without access to a computer or the news for almost a week. My back hurts, it is too cold, I have no appetite for anything but I want to eat, the commute to and back from work sucks, cat poop smells and all other kinds of things. But I still feel like the luckiest guy in the world and am fighting the fight to make sure I deserve this luck. Holly and I now have a place we can call our own. As soon as things are unpacked and it looks respectable, you are all invited over for a drink. Cheers. Until the end of the world again… PS: The new Transformers teaser is actually cool.
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Nothing Left but Faith

December 2006

Here is a sweet holiday message for all of you out there who take the time to browse what it is that lives in my head:





GOD

HATES

ME














It is that simple.



I have proof.


I am just not in the mood for sharing right now.

New thoughts will be swirling in my head as well as those short stories and great American Novels that continually live there but seem to escape and be nowhere to be found when I want to place them onto paper.

However, real life intervenes and this space will be sparse and mostly unused for a while.

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